Dealing With Disappointment: How to Break it to Your Kid That There’s Only One Blue Ribbon

By: Brittany Bevis

The very nature of our sport guarantees that only one rider will exit the show pen victorious, proudly raising that coveted blue ribbon. This means that every other competitor in the class will not be named the champion. That fact is known by every competitor who rides through the in gate; so then, why are there so many gloomy faces, tears, and even temper tantrums at the class’s conclusion?

As a parent, or even a horse trainer, how do you manage the expectations of the youngest competitors and help them deal with the inevitable disappointment that will come when their name isn’t listed at the top of the judges’ card? The Equine Chronicle reached out to a number of parents to get their advice.

Elizabeth Brahler (Mother of AQHA youth competitor Lydia Brahler)- “Our daughter Lydia has played on numerous sports teams over the years and what we have told her in those competition sports we believe also holds true within the horse show arena. Assume everyone shows up, just like you, to win. It’s a competition, so with that understanding you shouldn’t be surprised if you’re not picked as the winner or placed where you expect to be. There’s no need for tears or poor sportsmanship; you knew the deal when you walked into the ring.”

“Several years ago, Lydia was going into the finals at the Quarter Horse Congress, when a trainer stopped and asked her if she was nervous. What I heard her say next is something I have told Lydia for many years, since she showed in Small Fry. She said, “I want to do great, but if I don’t, nothing of importance truly changes for me. When I ride back out of the ring, I will still have my family, my faith, my horse, and my friends! Everything that I love will still be here when I come out.’’ The look on that trainer’s face was priceless and it was, and is, one of my proudest mom moments and she hadn’t even stepped into the arena or had her number called yet! When you think your kids aren’t listening to you, they are. It might just take a bit of time to sink in!”

“Horse showing is a gift. It’s like a ice cream sundae you get every day, and winning or placing is the cherry on top of your sundae! Don’t forget, even if you don’t get that cherry, you still have your sundae! Remember to be grateful!”

Tara Lombardo Landon (Mother of AQHA youth competitor Millie Green)– “Riders of all ages have to learn that we don’t start out on top. It takes hard work and lots of practice. I tried to teach my daughter Millie to recognize her accomplishments with each ride and not to compare herself to the older, more experienced riders. As long as she continues to progress and ride better than she did yesterday, then her turn to be the blue ribbon winner will come.”

“We come to horse shows to be judged by a person who has his or her own opinions. A lot of times, the judges will see something that we don’t see from the outside. Either way, we have to accept how the judge places the class, even if we don’t agree. If we feel it was a mistake, we must accept it, because the next time that mistake might fall in our favor. Or, we recognize a mistake on our own part and practice to fix it. Winning and losing in the show pen is the same concept of life as in the real adult world. The lessons that we teach kids about showing and winning and losing gracefully are lessons they will use as adults.”

Mindi Maus (Mother of AQHA youth competitor Marley Mainwaring)– When my daughter Marley was younger, managing  expectations was much harder. Now that she’s older, she just tries to have a better ride than the last. If she makes a mistake, she fixes it during her next ride. We’ve always told her to ride against herself and not another competitor. Also, class placings are the result of a judge’s opinion. Sometimes, you may not agree with them, but as long as your ride was successful, for yourself, you’re always a winner.”

“Riding for a trophy or to beat someone specific is not the way to go about winning. If you ride for yourself and continually get better and better then eventually the wins will come on their own. It took Marley a long time to grasp this concept, but we always try to find some positives when looking at a class and then improve where we can.”

“Let’s face it, whether you’re a competitor, a parent, or both there will be times when you or your child disagrees with the judges’ placings. However, like I tell Marley, there have been times when she has come out with a win when she possibly didn’t deserve it. So, it ebbs and flows. Like they say: ‘You win some and you lose some.’ By far, my greatest accomplishment as a parent is that my daughter is a gracious winner and loser. In fact, she has been known to apologize to competitors when she beat them and didn’t feel she deserved to beat them.”

Jennifer D’Onofrio (Mother of AQHA youth competitor Bella D’Onofrio)– “Prior to big shows, I try to remind Bella that she’s competing with the best of the best. I also try to tell her that she and her horse will have good days and bad days. Sometimes, those bad days can really make you appreciate it more when it all comes together. You work hard, put your best effort forward, and hope the stars align for you on that particular day.”

“We try to focus on personal growth. We identify parts of a pattern or class that we really want to focus on making better that day. That way, it can be less overwhelming, and she’s less focused on that blue ribbon. I encourage her to control what she can: her focus, her practice, and her horse and not to focus on things she can’t change. I tell her it’s ok to be disappointed; that means she’s a competitor, but you can’t hang on to it. Analyze it, decide what you will do differently the next time, and let it go.”

Melisssa Maxwell (Trainer and mother of AQHA youth competitor Ellexxah Maxwell)- “I try not to focus on numbers. You can find yourself empty handed just as easily in a class of 10 head as in a class of 110 head. Rather than center your performance around how many people you would have to place ahead of to win, your time would be better spent bringing your personal best and seeing where that puts you. Then, you have a better idea of what to improve on the next time.”

“Even though you may not get your name called, don’t put yourself in a negative spot. Okay, maybe a certain maneuver needs more work, but the one you were really struggling with has improved a bunch! Take away what you can build on; don’t tear down the foundation you’ve made. No matter what, there’s another horse show.”

“You may have thought you had an awesome go, but got gated, while your competition broke gait right in front of the judges and still ended up at the top of the card. Things aren’t always fair; that’s life. It’s doesn’t just apply in the pen, but for life in general. Not everyone is going to like you or appreciate your work, for that matter. It doesn’t mean you’re any less or they’re any better. It doesn’t mean the judge is stupid. It’s their opinion on that day, and you paid them to hear it. It’s nothing personal. Maybe there is a pet peeve that you do that offends them, or it could be something you missed. No placing will ever take away from the hours and years you have put in and the sacrifices you have made to do the thing that you love. Trophies and titles are always the goal, but making your parents proud and being proud of yourself is a much bigger achievement.”

Johne Huber Dobbs (Mother of AQHA amateur Travis Dobbs and Courtney Clagg and Grandmother of Cooper and Dylan Dobbs and Quincy Clagg)

“Horse showing is such a microcosm of life, because we certainly don’t win a trophy every time we achieve something in real life. I think we should measure a child’s improvement in a certain class by being positive about what he or she did better than the last time. Age plays a part in how you manage your child’s expectations. I think young kids need to feel they’ve accomplished something. The experience of getting to show a 1,000 pound animal when you weigh under 100 pounds is pretty phenomenal! Tell them how proud you are of how they did. At times, it’s best to let that initial disappointment dissipate a little and talk about it (if they want to) back at the stalls, at the trailer, or maybe on the way home in the truck. Let your young rider bring it up. That’s when they’ll be ready to talk about it. Horse showing is a great way to teach responsibility, sportsmanship, and develop mental toughness.”

Cathrin Gutmann (Mother of AQHA Leadline competitor Mimi Gutmann)– “I think it’s a great thing that children start out in Leadline competition and then build from there. In a Leadline class, they experience manageable tasks and make friends with their fellow competitors. That’s a very important thing. Also, the judges asking them questions about their horse or their equipment is a very important part of it. Children should naturally grow into taking care of their horse and know it’s not only about the ten minutes you spend in the show pen.It’s about the hours you spend practicing on your horse and the work you put into it. Children will start understanding that later on.”

“Even for an experienced show person, showing a horse to the best of its ability is the goal every rider should strive for. It’s far beyond always getting that blue ribbon, and that’s an important life lesson as well. You won’t always be liked and celebrated, and that’s good as well. It will teach your child important life lessons.”

“After a class, I will ask my child if she was happy with herself. For example, did you do the best you could for your horse? Did the horse do the best he could do for you? If my child answers both with a yes, and yet still didn’t get the blue ribbon, I will tell her that the most important thing is to be able to answer those two questions with a yes. There’s always another ride and another show. If my child answers one or both questions with a no, then we talk about what to work on for the future and do that in a positive way. Make your child focus on what to work on for the future and make a game plan. Also, tell your child that there are good and bad days- for yourself as well as your horse. If you can’t get 100% done, go and get the 70% you can get right. After all that, tell your children that you love them and support them, whether they get a blue ribbon or not.”

Steve Meadows (Trainer and father of AQHA youth, Noel Meadows)

“Dealing with disappointment can be handled many different ways. We, as professionals, deal with it daily. So many times, I’ve seen people buy a horse and think that they will automatically win. It doesn’t work that way at all. I think the best way to handle this problem is by starting at home before you ever go to a show. I try to be realistic with my clients about how ready their horses are and if they’re ready to be competitive. I never lead them on to thinking their horse is ready for a show just to pad the bill. I’m very up front about whether it’s a competing trip or a learning trip. Also, if I think a show is over a client or horse’s head, I tell them up front. Sure, I’ve made people mad, but I would rather be dealing with it at home versus at a stressful show. But still, bigger show means bigger stress, bigger cost, and bigger emotions.”

“I have several sayings that I’ve used over the years. Several of these I came up with myself and several have come from other professionals. Here are a couple of my favorites:

– “A half baked pie might taste like pie, but it’s not going to win the baking contest.”

– “If you want to win big, you have to be prepared to lose big.”

– “If you’re not winning, you’re learning.”

– “Winning builds confidence. Losing builds character.”