How To Survive as the Other Half of a Horse-a-holic

Click here to read the complete article

172 – November/December, 2014

A Handy Reference Guide for the Partners of the Hopelessly Addicted

by Delores Kuhlwein

They are legends in their own time; you may have only caught a glimpse of them or heard their names in passing. Some are elusive, like fleeting deer. Others are an ever-present force that can easily be found sleeping in a chair in a barn aisle, glued to their smart phones in the stands at a horse show, or standing in the shadows with a trusty manure fork or bottle of fly spray.

They are the other halves of horse-a-holics and the unsung heroes of the horse show world. While the show goes on, these spouses and partners who don’t earn ribbons or have their names in lights stay behind the scenes.

The Equine Chronicle caught up with three experienced, better halves of horse-a-holics to create a quick how-to guide for partners and spouses lucky enough to love someone with an unyielding horse addiction. For those new to the role of horse show support team, or for partners simply needing a little inspiration, read on for some innovative ideas of how to cope!

Enter The Experts

Much like famed horse show moms, those who love show addicts are ripe with experience of holding groom bags, posing for win photos, unpacking horse trailers, and a variety of other tasks. These experts are full of sage advice for survival.

• Larry Morse is the husband of Robin Robinett, who is well-known for her success in the ring as an APHA and AQHA World Champion Halter exhibitor. The duo also own racehorses and barrel racing horses.

• Ted Walker is the partner of Craig Parmley, a World Champion AQHA Halter exhibitor who first began showing in all-around competition as a teen.

• John Wilson is the husband of Anne Wilson, an all-around AQHA exhibitor with five consecutive World Championship titles in Showmanship, most recently at the 2014 AQHA Adequan Select World Show.

How to Survive at the Horse Show

Learning to accept that horse shows will be an inevitable part of your life forces you to make some choices. While every couple is different, you do have some options for how you spend your time!

Option 1: Establish Clear-cut Roles and Parameters Right from the Start.

John Wilson learned this lesson a little too late. He emphasizes, “For all new ‘Horse Husbands,’ do not, I repeat, DO NOT, learn how to do anything horse-related,” he says. “Feign horse allergies, fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting the horse, any excuse not to get involved. After complaining of boredom, Anne, being the caring and results-oriented woman she is, found many things I could do to help, none of which require any skill. I now hit the wash racks, groom the horse, blacken hooves, corn starch white socks, saddle and longe the horse and, most importantly, I hold jackets before classes. I have not reached any real level of competency, but I now have my own World Show win jacket embroidered with the title, Visible Investment – Groom/ Intern.”

Within the parameters that need to be set, mates of horse-show addicts must decide whether to take the plunge into the ring as well or take a firm stand in the spectator seat. Ted Walker chooses the latter route. “Craig would prefer I jump into the halter pen too, but I’m really happy to sit on the sidelines and cheer him and his friends on!” To Wilson, the unwavering reply about his own possibility of showing is simple, “Absolutely not!”

Option 2: Take Advantage of Your Free Time

Exhibitor Robin Robinett explains her point of view on this subject. “I’m usually showing,” she says. “When I’m not showing, I usually watch other classes. Larry lives on his phone, as many of you have seen, and he is really good at napping in a chair at the shows.” Robinett’s husband, Larry Morse, elaborates. “My work requires me to spend a lot of time on the phone while at the horse shows, but I try to watch just about all the halter and as much as possible of the other classes. I also have what I call my ‘harassment tour.’ I try to stop by other stalls and visit as much as possible. If I don’t stop by and harass you in particular, please let me know that you would like to be included in the tour stops….”

Option 3: Make Friends and Make the Best of It

In the same way that Morse has learned to enjoy socializing at the shows, Parmley’s partner, Ted Walker, decided that other horse show people are part of the key to having fun, along with learning to find enjoyment in each experience. “I try and enjoy myself wherever I go or whatever I’m doing,” he says. “I must admit, at first, when I didn’t know too many people at the shows, it got to be a little lonely after a while! As I began to know more people, and became familiar with the horses, it was a lot more fun. We live in Houston, which is the fourth largest city in the country, so when we go to these smaller towns to compete, I just enjoy the friendly people, getting out and enjoying nature, and exploring the sights.”

Find Your Sense of Humor

Spouses and partners of exhibitors often find themselves in surprising situations they likely never imagined when they initially fell in love, whether it’s having to negotiate the price of a horse, getting up in the middle of the night for a last-minute practice, or getting stuck in a seedy hotel room because it’s close to the fairgrounds. All mates advise to look at the bizarre and unanticipated happenings as part of the fun.

Step 1: Laugh at Yourself

Whether Morse thought this would happen or not, he’s accepted the title he has earned at the shows. “I’m Mr. Robinett… and that’s fine with me,” he laughs.

Wilson decided long ago to laugh at himself and finds the funny side of things, too. “Hopefully, Anne’s barn friends still find it amusing when, after over ten years around horses, I still put an English saddle pad on backwards and have not yet completely mastered putting on a halter.”

Step 2: Turn Unexpected Experiences into Memories

Taking even unsettling moments in stride and learning to weave them into the fabric of your lives together is best, our experts encourage.

For Walker, an encounter with extreme weather he experienced with Parmley turned into a story they have included in their repertoire of tales to tell. In 2013, when tornadoes hit Oklahoma City during the Redbud Spectacular, it caused emergency conditions and flooding. It was nothing less than a crazy experience for them both. Still, Walker managed to find the positive side of the cancelled show and scary situation. “Due to torrential rains, one of the arenas, despite being covered, had become flooded, and all the rigs that had parked under there for protection from the storm were buried and stuck in the mud. Because we couldn’t get Bushy Park Farm’s truck out that night, Monte and Anna Horn were nice enough to let a bunch of us pile on top of each other and cram into their truck to get back to the hotel. On the way to the hotel, everything was dark, and we had to cross through deep water and drive across live power lines that were down. Cars were tossed and turned about as though they were toys, and telephone poles had been snapped like toothpicks. The next day, I waded in deep mud, ruining a pair of shoes in the process, while trying to help the tow truck driver get Bushy Park Farm’s truck out. It was like the game Super Mud Mania; everyone was slipping and sliding all over the place!”

A memorable moment for the Wilsons came when John arranged the perfect horse buying set up for his beloved horse fanatic. “It was Anne’s unbelievably loud squeal of ‘ME!’ at the Reichert Celebration horse auction after being asked for her bid number. She didn’t know I had continued to bid behind her back beyond her ‘budget number,’ when I bought her new horse, Laziness. She had no clue and everyone thought it was hysterical,” Wilson explains.

Use Horses to Grow Together

Step 1: Compromise and Communicate

A well-known joke passed around on social media suggests that a horse-crazy person should purchase only bay horses so her husband won’t notice when she adds another to the herd. Although amusing, our experts say that’s not the way to play it.

Since the Robinett and Morse duo both love horses, coming to terms with how to handle the issues that come up is not a problem. They do, however, share decisions and talk about everything. “We each have a different eye and opinion when looking to buy or sell.  As in all relationships, we don’t always agree, but we compromise,” Robinett says.

Walker explains that through showing horses, he and his better half have learned to balance each other, since they came from very different financial backgrounds. He explains, “I grew up in a middle-class family. Craig grew up financially insulated and money was never an issue. I was financially conservative and he wasn’t. Craig has taught me how to loosen up more and relax, and I guess I’ve taught him how to appreciate, more, the value of a dollar. We’ve ended up learning how to meet in the middle in that regard. We never override each other on anything. Everything is discussed, and decisions are always made together.”

Wilson also includes acceptance as part of the communication process. “The Horse Husband has to get in the right mental state. Yoga may be helpful. Anne is extraordinarily passionate about horses, and she interrupts my morning paper time daily with Facebook horse news and dwells on her horse habit incessantly. Those guys in Breaking Bad don’t know real addiction. Once you realize that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a real disease and you accept that you may never be rich, you will have found peace in your relationship,” he says.

Step 2: Find a Balance

Since life does exist outside of horse shows, the couples all suggest finding a way to balance things by respecting other activities and planning something besides a horse show for vacation.

“We both enjoy travel, so we’re always ready to go experience new adventures, different cultures, languages, and cuisine,” Walker says. “In addition to experiencing new sights, we feel travel allows people the opportunity to look at familiar things with ‘new eyes.’ The world becomes a smaller place and gives us a chance to see that we have more in common than we sometimes realize. Similar to the horse industry, we feel fortunate to have developed meaningful friendships with people from various backgrounds around the world through our love of travel. It’s a wonderful opportunity to build and create lasting memories together. As Craig says, ‘After all, in the end, all we take with us is our memories.’”

Wilson agrees, explaining that they try to plan extra days around horse shows during which to vacation. However, they also respect each other’s interests and give each other some space. “As for balance, Anne will not ride on my Harley, nor do I ever want her to play golf with me, and I enjoy drinking with my buddies. I do, however, really appreciate getting to go home with her every night.”

Best Advice to the Newbies

All three knowledgeable partners think there’s a bottom line to making it all work, which includes becoming involved in your own way.

“In all seriousness, get involved,” Wilson recommends. “You may not be at every show, but show up. You will enjoy the people, you will enjoy the competition, and you will love seeing how happy you help make your own obsessive compulsive significant other.”

“The best advice I can give is to have an open mind and simply support your partner in the hobby that he or she loves. Horses are a part of Craig’s DNA. I’ll admit it can be difficult at times. I mean these are organic, living animals and unfortunate things sometimes occur. Notwithstanding the significant expense and occasional drama inherent in a sport of this nature, it can be a lot of fun and very rewarding. I’ve had the opportunity to meet really nice people and develop lasting friendships,” says Walker, who has also become attached to Parmley’s favorite show horse, She’s the Prettiest. “To share a love for these magnificent animals… well, it’s a wonderful and bonding thing.”

Robinett confides that knowing Morse will be there to support her, no matter how she does, means everything. “One of the greatest parts is knowing Larry will be the first one at the out gate to congratulate me and give me a kiss and hug.”

“Love it for them!” exclaims her husband. “There’s nothing better than the smiles and tears of joy on your significant others face as they leave the arena after that class. That’s what makes this all worthwhile for me. That smile and the joy in her face as she leaves the arena… that makes it all worth it.”